This is day 5 of 31 Days of Finding Joy in Depression. Yesterday, I shared the second part of my story of discovering that I had depression. Today, let’s face the denial.

Denial is…

It seems easier to deny the existence of depression than to deal with it.  The masks we wear are easier to keep on.  The comfortable actions and the fake smiles that say, “I’m fine” are easier to put forth.

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After discussion my dysthymia with my doctor, we determined that I’d probably been dealing with it since I was a teenager.  I’d probably been silently suffering for at least 15 years, if not longer.  I muddled through on my own for way too long.  I know that there are people who could see it.  Obviously, my doctor saw it.  I know my husband saw it.  He and I had even talked about it.  But I couldn’t do anything.  Or maybe, I wouldn’t do anything.

But in the end I was the only one who could take the step towards healing.  Remaining in denial gets you no where.  It certainly doesn’t bring healing.  You can only run so long, so far before you have to stop.  That’s true with denial too.  Sooner or later, you’ll come to a breaking point.  You will be brought to a place where you will face reality.  Your reaction and next steps are your choice when you reach that point.

Do you hide from your depression, denying its existence?  If you’re denying the existing of depression, take the first step to healing by asking someone for help.

If you deal with depression, please comment and share your journey too.  If you’re a blogger, you can use the button and code below to share your story and link back on your blog.  Feel free to leave links to your posts in the comments area.

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I’m linking up with The Nester and others who are writing 31 posts this month on various topics.  I?m not a doctor or a counselor and this is not intended to be medical advice.  This is simply the story of my experience with depression.

This is day 4 of 31 Days of Finding Joy in Depression. Yesterday, I shared the first part of my story of discovering that I had depression. Today, is the second part of that story.

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I left work early and headed for my doctor’s office. I remember sitting in the waiting room and wanting desperately to leave. Not wanting to deal with this. I’m a Christ-follower. I work in a church. I shouldn’t be dealing with this. What will people say when they find out?

Finally I found myself sitting in the room with my doctor, spilling the details of my depression and anxiety. Finally asking for help. Finally ready to receive help. My doctor gave me his diagnosis: dysthymia.

He explained that people with dysthymia have moods that are consistently a little lower than most people and the ups and downs are not as dramatic. Various triggers can cause a longer low period for a time. The solution: medication.

I didn’t like the idea of going on medication, but I had to do something. Together, my doctor and I made the decision to try it and reevaluate in 30 days. My insurance wouldn’t pay for the first medication, but my doctor worked with me to find one that would be covered. I’ll tell you more about my experience with the medication later in this series. For now, let me just say that it really helped.

My OB/GYN is a very soft spoken man with a great bedside manner. He is not pushy, but he is also very straight forward. Josh and I have both been very happy with him since I started going there shortly after we moved to the area. He would never have pushed me to take medication or face depression. He knew that I had to come to that myself.

I went back for the follow-up appointment with my doctor a different person. I don’t think I truly understood the severity of the situation until I went back for that second appointment. After hearing about the last month and the changes on the medication, that soft spoken doctor stood in front of me with tears in his eyes. He revealed he’d seen the dysthymia in me for many years. He said that he had been very concerned about me and was was so happy to see the improvement.  He was also very clear that he didn’t just hand out drugs to every women who walks into the office.

I don’t think I will ever forget the look on my doctor’s face that day. I’m very thankfully for an OB/GYN who is perceptive and well-trained.  If someone who saw me only once a year and during pregnancy could see this, I couldn’t deny any longer that this was a serious issue.

How did you discover that you have depression?  If you think you might have depression, what’s your next step?

If you deal with depression, please comment and share your journey too.  If you’re a blogger, you can use the button and code below to share your story and link back on your blog.  Feel free to leave links to your posts in the comments area.

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I’m linking up with The Nester and others who are writing 31 posts this month on various topics.  I?m not a doctor or a counselor and this is not intended to be medical advice.  This is simply the story of my experience with depression.

This is day 3 of 31 Days of Finding Joy in Depression. Yesterday, I gave you a brief overview of what depression is. Today, I’m sharing how I was diagnosed with depression.

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After Jonathan was born in 2007, my OB/GYN asked lots of questions to see how I was doing emotionally. Lots of questions. I’m sure that they always do that after you have a baby. I was fine, so I thought. Nothing really seemed any different to me. I’m always in a lower, less excitable state. Dealing with the pressures and stresses of becoming a mom didn’t seem any different to me than normal life.

Each year at my check up came the same questions about how I was doing. My response was the usual smile and “fine.” But was I? My doctor pressed and reminded me that he was there and he could prescribe something for me if needed.  I thought he was being a little pushy, but as the days and months went on, I found the stress began to wear on me more and more. Responsibilities at home. Pressures at work. My primary mode of denial was sleep. Too much sleep. Stresses at work continued to grow and I knew I was coming to a breaking point.

I was a communications director in a church. Let me tell you, full-time ministry is not as glamorus as some on the “outisde” might think it is. I’d been reading Mad Church Disease by Anne Jackson. It’s a book about burnout and other pressures on those working in ministry. There is a testimony from a pastor who has dysthymia in that book. The story seemed so familiar. Too familiar. One day shortly after reading that chapter, I found myself sitting in my car not wanting to walk into work. I couldn’t handle anything more. I couldn’t breathe.

My heart was racing.

I was done.

I was having a panic attack.

I couldn’t continue running any more.

I’d been in this place before. Less severe, but the same place.  Probably more than once. In that past I’d pushed through it. I muscled my way through on my own. Too proud to ask for help. Too stubborn to admit my struggle. Too brainwashed by those in the church who think depression shouldn’t affect believers and you should be able to pray your way through it. But this time I was done. I called my doctor’s nurse and left a message. Within a very short period of time I received a call back and had an appointment made for that afternoon.

Continued tomorrow…

Have you ever had a panic attack? Ever run from something you didn’t want to deal with?

If you deal with depression, please comment and share your journey too.  If you’re a blogger, you can use the button and code below to share your story and link back on your blog.  Feel free to leave links to your posts in the comments area.

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I’m linking up with The Nester and others who are writing 31 posts this month on various topics.  I?m not a doctor or a counselor and this is not intended to be medical advice.  This is simply the story of my experience with depression.

This is day 2 of 31 Days of Finding Joy in Depression.  If you’re just joining me, go back and read the intro post to this series.

Before we can really tackle depression, we have to know what it is.

Depression may be described as feeling sad, blue, unhappy, miserable, or down in the dumps. Most of us feel this way at one time or another for short periods.

Clinical depression is a mood disorder in which feelings of sadness, loss, anger, or frustration interfere with everyday life for a longer period of time.

(from the U.S. National Library of Medicine)

Depression has many faces including: minor depression, major depression, atypical depression, dysthymia, postpartum depsression, bipolar disorder, and more. Each one is slightly different, varying in severity as well as the optimal methods for treatment.

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Symptoms can include:

• Low mood or irritability
• A loss of pleasure in usual activities
• Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much
• Major change in appetite or weight
• No energy
• Feeling worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt
• Trouble concentrating
• Hopeless or helplessness
• Repeated thoughts of death or suicide

If you experience multiple symptoms for a prolonged period of time, you may have some form of depression. Please seek out the advice of your doctor or trusted counselor.

I personally have dysthymia. Over the next few days, I’ll tell you more about what dysthymia is and how I discovered that I had it.

Do you suffer from any of these symptoms? Multiple symptoms? Have you been evaluated for depression?

If you deal with depression, please comment and share your journey too.  If you’re a blogger, you can use the button and code below to share your story and link back on your blog.  Feel free to leave links to your posts in the comments area.

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I’m linking up with The Nester and others who are writing 31 posts this month on various topics.  I?m not a doctor or a counselor and this is not intended to be medical advice.  This is simply the story of my experience with depression.