Grace for the Good Girl -

Archives For Grace for the Good Girl

Grace for the Good Girl – Chapter 18 and Final Thoughts

Amanda Pelser — January 17, 2012 — Leave a comment

Last time I wrote about chapter 16 and 17. Today, I’m sharing on chapter 18, the last chapter in the book. Be sure to go check out other great posts linked up at Momma Day By Day.

Some of my favorite quotes (I’ve been reading on my Kindle; sorry no pages numbers):

Feeling safe does not guarantee safety.
One of the hardest times to remember God?s truth is in the midst of strong emotion. Fear, worry, or even excitement can cloud our perception of truth. If it doesn?t feel true, it?s hard to believe it is true.
As long as I am busy protecting myself, it is difficult for me to experience the life of Christ.
When your safety is challenged and you recognize that familiar tug to pull out your girl-made mask, ask yourself these four questions instead: What is the truth? (Spirit) What will you believe? (Mind) What will you do? (Will) Will you give up the right to feel as if God?s truth is true? (Emotions)
Sometimes when we talk about setting our minds on truth, our feelings and emotions are painted in a negative light. I am still learning what it means to embrace my emotional self and not hide behind my fake fines, while at the same time learning to set my mind on God?s truth even when my emotions tell me otherwise.
Sometimes in those days, it helps to remember that God has enclosed me behind. That means everything in my past?every situation, circumstance, pain, fear, and longing I?ve ever had?he has been a barrier between those things and me.

Safe.

You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
Psalm 139:5

I’m safe, even when I don’t feel safe. I love this verse that Emily points out. God is all around me. He’s in control. He’s keeping me safe; even when I don’t feel safe.

I have to seek after God’s truth and believe that truth. I have to give up my right to be “right” and my incorrect assumptions and take hold of God’s truth.

Taking off the masks leaves me feeling naked and vulnerable, but I am safe in Him. Completely safe.

Final Thoughts.

It’s bittersweet to be at the end of this book. From the beginning, I didn’t really want to write about this book. Honestly, there were weeks that I procrastinated and tried to fight writing about this book, but it was God’s way of helping me pry off the masks. I pray that my transparency has helped you understand that you’re not alone in dealing with these things, no matter what kind of “good girl” you are.

Grace for the Good Girl is an amazing book. Get a copy and then share me your thoughts on the book in the comments of the posts in this series.

Missed a week of the discussion? You can start here for the whole series.

In Books books, Grace for the Good Girl, women

Grace for the Good Girl – Chapter 16 and 17

Amanda Pelser — January 10, 2012 — Leave a comment

Last week I wrote about chapter 14 and 15. Today, I’m sharing on chapter 16 and 17. Next week will be my last post in this series – chapter 18 and some thoughts on the whole book. Be sure to go check out other great posts linked up at Momma Day By Day.

Here are some quotes from these chapters. (I?m reading in the Kindle app for iPad so no page numbers.)

One of the good girl?s most basic fears is failure.
She began to believe that because she came from a broken family, she was therefore broken herself.
If there was one thing her parents taught her it was that she needed a contingency plan, because her desire for marriage would probably not pan out. Anticipate rejection. Plan for the worst. Depend on yourself. And by all means, be a good girl.
As hard as it is for this good girl to believe, failure is not the ultimate disqualifier.
It is so important to share our weaknesses, failures, and regrets with other women we trust.
The only thing he knew to do was to go back to where he had been before he ever met Jesus.
My fear of, regret over, and inability to handle failure has kept me in hiding. But it isn?t only my failure that keeps me from living free. I hold myself to an impossible standard, but I hold you to it too.
But understand that the reason it is so difficult to extend forgiveness to those who have failed us is because we are unable to receive forgiveness for our own failures.
When what you do determines who you are, then failure to do means failure to be.
The only antidote to the poisonous lie of performance is forgiveness. We have to receive forgiveness in order to live free because we cannot give what we have not first received.
Which is more important to you: to be right or to be free?
If you continue to put your own insatiable desire to be right and heard and understood as the central hub on the wheel of your life, you will forever be going nowhere, and you may never be free.
In the same way your failure doesn?t define you, their failure doesn?t define you, either.
They may have hurt you, but don?t let them define you.
it?s about the journey.
To accept the lovely, the messy, and the unexpected things in our days, knowing that God sees them and has an eternal perspective, is to say with confidence I receive your timing. I accept that you know so I don?t have to. Even when it all goes wrong.

Failure.

One of my biggest fears is failure. I avoid it all costs. But my definition of failure is based on my skewed definition of perfection. I also avoid other’s failures as all cost. I have mistakenly seen the failure of those around me as a reflection on me.

I’ll be sharing more soon, but I’ve chose “perfect” as my “one word” for 2012. I want to pursue God’s biblical definition of perfect rather than perfection rooted in me.

Safety.

Do I believe Romans 8:28? When things seem to be going wrong, I so quickly pull out my masks of “fear of failure” and “indifference.” I shelter myself from pain, forgetting that sometimes pain is a sign of growth.

I have to let go of my “right” to be right and pursue freedom instead. Maybe God’s definition of “perfect” includes a component of freedom? Getting there can be messy. It doesn’t always feel safe. I have to remember that God is in control. I may not ever fully understand things that God takes me though, but I know that it is all working together for His plan – not mine.

Missed a week of the discussion? You can start here for the whole series.

In Books books, failure, Grace for the Good Girl, perfect, perfection, safety, women

Grace for the Good Girl – Chapter 14 and 15

Amanda Pelser — January 5, 2012 — Leave a comment

Last time I wrote about chapter 12 and 13. Today, I’m sharing on chapter 14 and 15. Be sure to go check out other great posts linked up at Momma Day By Day.

Here are some quotes from these chapters. (I?m reading in the Kindle app for iPad so no page numbers.)

My mind has not yet caught up with my reality.
So how can I get my mind to line up with my reality? To act differently I must think differently. Until my beliefs change, my mask will stay on tight. My mind needs to be rewired.
He wants us to have a biblical self-image.
We have to decide with our wills to teach our minds about what is already true in Christ.
Your default setting may not be shame. Yours may be anger, fear, worry, resentment, anxiety, or indifference. And when our default setting is activated, we reach for those masks to cover them up. I feel shame, so I grab a mask of productivity or strength and get to work. I completely bypass the Spirit within me. I live life on a soul and body level, basing everything I believe on what I can see, touch, taste, smell, and feel.
there. It is only when the haven I thought my mask provided begins to crumble that I will be willing to consider the possibility that perhaps it isn?t as safe as I once believed.
Healing is messy and fluid and often unpredictable. I can?t manufacture my own healing. It usually takes longer than I think, runs deeper than I wished, and involves more areas of my life than I ever imagined. But once I come through it on the other side, healing not only offers the closure I thought I wanted, it comes with a wholeness, wellness, and restoration that closure lacks.
To enter into brokenness is not natural. To face the broken things and allow them to be broken doesn?t even make the list of things I would choose. It didn?t feel right to allow myself to grieve the loss of the friendship, the relationship, and mostly, the dream. It felt selfish, indulgent, and wrong.
She has both held me back from facing weakness and shoved me forward to fake strong.
But something I learned in the midst of that heartache is that Jesus is present when people are broken.
I need a healer, someone to stand on my behalf against my past, against the pain and disappointments of broken relationships, against any fear of trusting in the future, against the sorrow and anger of death.

The Default

What’s your default? I slip comfortably into shame with touches of fear and anxiety. When I get really overwhelmed, I fall into indifference. I hide behind those makes and put on my external good girl face. It’s the fear of change and the unknown that often keeps me stuck. I don’t want to lose control.

My husband knows when I’m stressed and overwhelmed. How? I rearrange furniture. I move things larger than I should on my own. Why? I think I do it to create change that I can control. I’m afraid of losing control so I create a situation that I can control.

Brokeness and Healing

Far too often, I’ve sought closure in a situation rather than healing. I try in my own strength to make things ok and close that chapter in my story when what I really need is healing from God.

I can’t control healing. It comes from God. It comes in God’s way and timing. What I can control is this: I can make the choice to believe God and I can let go of myself.

Missed a week of the discussion? You can start here for the whole series.

In Books books, Grace for the Good Girl

Grace for the Good Girl – Chapter 12 and 13

Amanda Pelser — January 3, 2012 — 2 Comments

I took an extra week off over the holidays from writing my series on Grace for the Good Girl. Last time I wrote about chapter 10 and 11. Today, I’m sharing on chapter 12 and 13. I’ll be back on Thursday with chapter 14 and 15. Be sure to go check out other great posts linked up at Momma Day By Day.

Here are some quotes from these chapters. (I?m reading in the Kindle app for iPad so no page numbers.)

There was a depth of intimacy and relevancy missing in my quiet times, but I didn?t know what it was for a long time.
I was often left feeling as though I had accomplished something rather than related with someone. Jesus does not have bullet points. I cannot check him off. But that is what I tried to do.
Being mom to those babies taught me to stop trying to be like Jesus and simply trust Jesus to be himself in and through me. Because the truth was, I couldn?t do it.
We are not called to be strong women.
Be more. Do less.
All he asks is that I receive his sacrifice for my inadequacy and then stay in that place of truth.
Even if it means I will look weak.
It is purposing in my heart not to fret.
It is holding my plans with an open hand and a willing heart.
To remain in him means both to sit with him and to walk with him, to literally let the peace of Christ reduce the noise of worry and the clatter of chaos so that we can receive truth.
It is not only remaining in Christ; it is letting Christ remain in you.
I had received Christ by faith for my salvation, but I was working hard for the rest.
When you?re used to wearing a mask, you are comfortable with compartmentalizing life.
Free women respond with worship in everything.
when the Spirit of the living God lives inside of you, then your living is also your worship.
My body worships without my permission. I was created to glorify God. And so his creation displays his glory, even in the ones who don?t give him the credit.
the truth is, the mask-wearing good girl is all about herself. In her most secret place, she wants the glory.
From the outside, you may not be able to tell the difference between a girl ridden with guilt and a girl freed by grace.
From this perspective, worship and service are not disciplines we practice in order to earn something or to pay him back out of obligation. Rather, worship and service are the natural responses of a girl fulfilled by love, compelled to look beyond herself.

Quiet Time

In the past, quiet time has felt legalistic. It was a check mark on my to-do list. Like Emily described, it just felt like something was missing. I didn’t feel like I could “keep up” and so, for a long time, I gave up.

But what was I trying to keep up with? I was trying to follow rules and regulations rather than have a relationship with God. I was trying to be the good girl. And, I was trying to show strength and accomplishment.

My path to freedom began with leaving my job in August of 2010. {Working in a church can really mess with your relationship with God. Unrealistic expectations put on the good girl. It just wasn’t working for me.} Then this past summer, I discovered Hello Mornings and Good Morning Girls. Both helped me start looking at manageable routines and relationship in a different way.

Strength

Two quotes really hit me hard in these chapters:

We are not called to be strong women.

and

Be more. Do less.

Wow. You see, I grew up hearing the exact opposite. Maybe it wasn’t in words, but it sure came across in actions. My parents divorce when I was about three years old and my sister and I lived with my single mom until she died unexpectedly on January 4, 1993.

My mom was the definition of strength for me. She held it all together and made end meets in ways that I have no idea how she did it. But, in the end, it was likely that strength that contributed to her early passing. She was trying to keep it all together on her own and the flu turned out to be a pulmonary embolism – a blood clot in her lungs – which ultimately took her life at age 38. I love my mother dearly and attribute much of who I am today to her, but she had this truth backwards.

And He has said to me, ”My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

It is in my weakness and dependance on God that great things will be accomplished. It is in the being, not the doing.

Missed a week of the discussion? You can start here for the whole series.

In Books books, Grace for the Good Girl, strength, weakness

Grace for the Good Girl – Chapter 10 and 11

Amanda Pelser — December 13, 2011 — 4 Comments

This week, I?m in chapter 10 and 11 of Grace for the Good Girl. Last week I wrote about chapter 8 and 9. Be sure to go check out other great posts linked up at Momma Day By Day.

Here are some quotes from these chapters. (I?m reading in the Kindle app for iPad so no page numbers.)

It means they already were like God, made in his likeness, bearing his image. Satan was promising something to them that God had already graciously and lovingly provided. Satan convinced them to forget God?s gift and try to work for it instead.
They didn?t just want to be like God, bearing his image. They wanted to be God, self-sufficient and independent.
The Spirit and the flesh are in opposition. It doesn?t matter if your flesh looks bad or good; it opposes the Spirit within you, and this struggle can rob us from living out of our true, Jesus-made identity.
Mercy protects. Grace provides.
Guilt says I did wrong. Shame says I am wrong. Guilt deals with behavior. Shame deals with identity. Guilt leads to repentance. Shame leads to hiding.
Shame is what happens when we let guilt fester and sink deeper and don?t deal with it.
instead of taking our inabilities, weaknesses, and shortcomings to God, we choose to try to deal with sin ourselves and hide behind try-hard masks.
But good girls who hide have to experience two rescues, much like the two-sided cross in the previous chapter. The good girl understands the basic foundation of her salvation: forgiveness of sin. That first rescue happens at salvation, the initial transfer from darkness to light. In that moment, her life is hidden with Christ in God (see Col. 3:3). The rescue is actually, factually complete. But the good girl doesn?t know about this hiding with Christ. She does not understand the depth and breadth and height and width of this Lover who came for her, and so this rescue seems inadequate. She lives on the forgiveness side of the cross and then begins to work to earn the life.
she needs to be rescued from herself.
Jesus came to save me from myself. He came to save me from self-effort. He didn?t just die for my sin to give me forgiveness; he rose again to give me life.
But Colossians 3 so beautifully outlines what it has looked like for me: Receive ?Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts.? (v. 15) Remain ?Let the word of Christ richly dwell within you.? (v. 16) Respond ?Whatever you do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks through Him to God the Father.? (v. 17) Remember ?Set your mind on the things above, not on the things that are on earth. For you have died and your life is hidden with Christ in God.? (vv. 2?3)
They worked, they chased, they strived, and they feared, all in an effort to get what they already had.
In the same way that the joints in our body can?t function properly without the life-giving marrow, our soul can?t function properly without the life-giving spirit.
The truth is true whether I let it be or not.
God offers his peace to act as my umpire, to release me from having to be the authority and keep it together.
Let fear dominate or let peace rule.
In order to receive, we have to first let go, to honestly release our right to hold on to those things we trust in for life, those counterfeit sources of truth and security, those false hiding places that seem to offer peace but leave us feeling restless.
we fear exposure more than we long for freedom.
He asks us to open our hands, receive the gift, and then live as if it were true.
Are you trying to be who Jesus wants you to be? Or do you trust him to bring out who he has already created you to be? It is vital to recognize the difference between these two questions because one leads to death, the other leads to life.

Protected from good.

The tree of the knowledge of good and evil stood in the Garden to protect us from both good and evil. Have you ever thought about needing to be protected from the knowledge of good? Why would God protect us from the knowledge of good?

Before the Fall, man didn’t have to choose between good and evil. We were protected from that. We could simply trust and follow God. We didn’t know what we lacked and we were protected from the Law.

Now, I make everything about what I do. Trying to be good to earn what God has already freely given me. But that mask is purely me. Completely flesh. And I cannot please God from my flesh.

For the desires of the flesh are against the Spirit, and the desires of the Spirit are against the flesh, for these are opposed to each other, to keep you from doing the things you want to do. Galatians 5:17

I didn’t understand that my need to be perfect was actually holding me back from God.

Law vs Truth.

I loved Emily’s illustration using The Wizard of Oz. All of the characters in the story already had what they were looking for. According to Ephesians 1, I’ve have been given spiritual blessings, been chosen, am holy, blameless, adopted, redeemed forgiven, given God’s will and an inheritance. I have been given all these things. When I read this list, I was almost shocked by the blessings. But, I’m held back by the rules and fear. I think I have to work for these things that are already mine.

I live in the Law, striving to get these blessings rather than living in the Truth and reacting because I have received these blessings. I continue to strive for what God has already freely given to me.

Because of the Fall, my spirit is dead. I am in need of the Holy Spirit to revive my spirit. Without the Holy Spirit, my soul (made up of my mind and emotions) cannot function properly. I must peel away the masks and allow the Holy Spirit to renew my spirit and guide my soul. This is letting peace rule. This is letting go of the good girl.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

Missed a week of the discussion? You can start here for the whole series.

In Books book club, books, Grace for the Good Girl