Grace for the Good Girl ~ Intro and Chapter 1

I introduced this series on Grace for the Good Girl yesterday.  If you missed that, head over to this post to get a feel for the book, watch videos, and see the schedule.  I'd love for you to join me!  Go grab the book and meet me back here every Tuesday until we're through the book.

Some quotes from the Intro and Chapter 1 (I'm reading in the Kindle app for iPad so no page numbers):

• I constantly worried that my imperfect status would be discovered.
• I felt the heavy weight of impossible expectations and had the insatiable desire to explain every mistake. My battle with shame was constant and hovering.
• I taught people around me that I had no needs and then was secretly angry with them for believing me.
• As a good girl, every choice I made was dictated by a theology of self-sufficiency. Life was up to me, and I was prepared to get it right.
• I know it goes against all the words the world says are admirable: self-reliant, capable, strong, and resilient. But I am in desperate need of a source outside of myself all the time. And so are you.
• You may be hiding from something, hiding behind something, or simply hiding something.
• The hiding has kept me silent in relationships when I could have spoken out. It has kept me paralyzed with fear and anxiety when I could have danced in freedom. And this prison of self-protection has kept me from receiving the boundless, unfathomable, gracious love of God.
• Because I care so much what you think, my hiding has everything to do with you. I desperately want to manage your opinion of me. Nearly everything I do is to convince you I am good. If I sense any hint of disbelief on your part that I am good, if it seems your opinion is other than what I wish it to be, it becomes my job to change your mind.
• This fear of rejection drives me hard, eating away at my courage. And so I am cautious in my love. I am timid in my faith. My life tells a small story. I long to be seen, but I feel safe when I'm invisible. So I stay a good girl. And I hide.
• I want to let go, rest, and believe, so that he can hold, refresh, and redeem.
• There is someone you want to be, and she isn't a hiding, mask-wearing, fear-filled woman. Worry is a thief, Fear is a liar, and Anxiety is their trembling, furrow-browed baby. I have lived with this dysfunctional family for the better part of my life. Sometimes I live with them still. Worry robs me of the peace I know is available. Fear lies and says there is no peace at all. And their immature, screaming baby Anxiety keeps me up at night with her unrelenting cries of what if? and what now? and what will they think?

I grew up in the church.  I asked Jesus into my heart when I was just four years old.  I rededicated my life when I was 14 years old.  I was a good kid.  I didn't have a big rebellion.  I didn't get into big trouble as a teenager.  I went to a Christian college and then went on to seminary.  But I rely on myself in almost every area of my life.

I carry the weight of worry, stress, and shame for not being perfect.

But the reality is:

I am not perfect.

I will let you down.

I will disappoint you.

I am not self-sufficient.

And I try to keep you from seeing the real me because:

I fear rejection.

I am a people-pleaser.

I hide… and sometimes I'm not sure I want to be found.

I watch my little boys.  Their innocence and their sense of freedom.  If you have little ones you know what I mean.  The openness and honesty with which they approach everything that they do in wonderful.  You know how they streak through the house naked after a bath without a care in the world?  They are the exact opposite of Adam and Eve in the garden.

I want that freedom.  I've had glimpses of that freedom over the years but nothing lasting.  I'm done with me.  I'm done with hiding.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  I am a recovering good girl.  What about you?

Missed a week of the discussion?  You can start here for the whole series.