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Lately, my conversations with God have been a little tense. If I'm honest, some of them have even evolved into shouting matches. Life has thrown me a few curve balls and God and I have been working it out – and the conversations have been raw and honest, and not always pretty.
I am not worried though. We have been down this path before. Our relationship is able to withstand the tough conversations and the anger. God can handle it. Those feelings don't terrify me in the same way they once did.
I remember being mad at God a few times as a child. Times when things in my life didn't go the way I thought they should. Times when prayers seemingly went unanswered. I never admitted my anger out loud though – not to anyone. Somehow it seemed like a terrible thing. I certainly believed it must represent some sort of character flaw in me.
I never remember a church leader talking to me about it either. I only remember hearing people talk about their relationship with God in good ways, and I believed if I ever was angry that meant I somehow didn't believe enough. I remember being afraid of being struck by lightning if I ever admitted I was angry with God.
When I was in college I lost a dear friend of mine. Her unexpected and senseless death rattled me to the core. At the time I was attending a Christian college and was an active leader in the campus ministry. I didn't really know what to do with myself at that point because, privately, I wasn't sure if I really believed anymore.
Our Campus Pastor during that time had been very intentional about seeking me out, trying to help me through this time. I continued to see him week after week as he asked and part of me didn't really know why I did. I remember telling myself that part of the reason I went back each week was because he gave me phone cards so I could call and be in contact with other friends who were sharing in the grief that I was experiencing, and that was very helpful for this poor college student.
One week, during the course of our conversation, I remember him asking me, “Are you angry with God?” I remember catching my breath – no one had ever asked me that question before. I said yes, as the tears streamed down my face. After what seemed like an eternity of silence (it was probably just a few seconds) he responded, “Good. I can work with that; you can't be angry at someone who doesn't exist, right?”
I didn't know how to respond so I stormed out of his office. I heard him calling in the background, “See you next week, same time.” I told myself I wouldn't go back, but those words just wouldn't get out of my head. I finally realized he was right and we spent the next several weeks talking about the fact that I was angry, that I could tell God about how angry I was, and that God could absolutely handle my anger.
For me, this is when my relationship with God became real and authentic.
It makes sense though, doesn't it? If you think about the people you love the most, aren't they also the people who can make you the most angry sometimes? I love my children with all my heart but sometimes they make me really mad – and it doesn't for one minute mean that I love them any less.
If you think about a relationship with a friend or spouse, one very important skill you have to learn is how to deal with each other when you are mad. These kinds of emotions are normal in relationships, just as they will be normal in your relationship with God.
Keeping those feelings bottled up, or denying them, always causes more problems. Learning that you can be angry with God and the relationship can withstand it is an invaluable lesson and one we need to learn, and need to teach our children. If we don't teach them this they may give up on the relationship when things get tough.
God and I are working it out. We love each other, so I know it will be fine, and I will be forever thankful to the people who gave me permission to be real, authentic, and sometimes angry in this relationship.
